Being The Bad Guy: When Difficult Conversations Have To Happen

When you’re dealing with students, teachers and parents things often get personal.

“Every day there are difficult conversations,” says Rachel Bennett Yanoff. “It’s a highly emotional field and everyone is passionate about serving children.”

As Executive Director for Phoenix Collegiate Academy, Yanoff can face stressed out teachers, upset students and angry parents.

“I had a parent who was livid about a policy that all students had to wear belts,” says Yanoff. “It seems like a small thing, but it affected her daughter wearing skirts because she had to wear a belt.”

The 2010 ATHENA Young Professional Award recipient prepared for the conversation by reviewing the student handbook and understanding the mother’s need to vent.

“She said it (the policy) was stupid and that her daughter looked stupid,” recalls Yanoff. “I just let her go and listened. In the end, I explained the rationale for the policy and that we want to keep it uniform for all students.”

Yanoff offered to work with the mother to find a belt that worked for her daughter. Mom left feeling she’d been heard, but Yanoff admits she hasn’t always succeeded.

“I’ve had some regrets, mostly with teachers,” she says. “We work 12 to 14 hours pretty much every day and at the beginning of the year my tone was not nurturing enough. They wanted me to know how stressed out they were and instead of listening I would say, ‘Well, tell me the solution’”.

Yanoff says she was caught off guard by the teachers’ concerns. They’ve since done intense work to improve their relationships. “I’ve learned that there’s no replacing listening,” she says

Tips for Difficult Conversations

• Rehearse – Prepare by defining the problem, understanding the other person’s perspective and your desired outcome.
• Avoid the “blame game” –the goal is to find a solution, not point fingers
• Respect the problem and the people involved – make sure you respond professionally
• Listen and repeat – summarize what you’re hearing and ask the other person to do the same
• Look to the future – put the conversation into perspective by thinking three months or three years from now.